six months

Six months in remission. It feels pretty good. There are still little things that remind me that I'm not exactly what I used to be, but there are also little things that tell me I'm still who I am.
On good days I run down the stairs, skip through campus acting more than half my age, and wear the really high heels that I didn't even wear before. Bad days I hold the rail, walk proudly through campus, and wear the "kitten" heels that Stacy Thomas is so fond of. Either way, its more than I was before.
Changes have been many, but I think mostly for the good. I am much more aware of living. I always thought it was better to do something right, rather than half way, but I'm learning new ways to do something right.
I'll spend what used to be too much on the New York ulta-clearance designer clothing (meaning I spend 30-40 on a pair of pants instead of 20), but I feel like a million because they sure do look good. I've gotten rid of anything that didn't fit right, because why waste time looking frumpy? Anyway, who knows how long I'll be able to show off that cute walk of mine, so I my as well do the most to make it look good. I've learned no matter how big or little I am, looking good makes me feel good, and at least I'm living in a time where cute clothing is made for girls with odd body shapes. Mostly, I've learned to care a bit more about myself. Even a T-Shirt and jeans can look and feel great.
One little 3 pound weight at a time my arms are getting stronger. My a set of graduated physical therapy bands help my legs. A little each day I make sure that my body has the advantages it needs. I'll never be twiggy thin, or even the 30 pounds smaller I was when I danced 5 nights a week and always active, but I'm also not a lump on the couch every night. Being healthy even has a new meaning. It isn't size anymore, it is strength.
Mostly, I'm keeping track. As much has Kirby and I didn't get along, he was right when he said somethings need to be kept track of. He always used to tell us, "when you write, make sure it is what is important." When I write, it makes me love things more. I keep track of what needs to be kept track of. What brings me joy, what scares me, what I am proud of.
We walk in the park, just because. Even in winter New York is beautiful in its own way. The other day I was actually thinking about how sad I will be if we ever have to leave. I've come to love the hustle of the streets and know where the good subway performers are. There is a new set of classical flamenco guitarist in Time Square that are my current favorite. Its hard to believe how much I hated it here when we moved. I guess I'm just lucky we had Ben and a few really special people at church to pull me through. Its also nice to know it probably wasn't all me. My doctor thinks it was probably related to my first major episode, we just didn't know it at the time. Either way, New York really is beautiful.
We aren't just passive scripture readers and prayers anymore. Or at least we are doing better at not being passive. I'm still not sure I've found the answers I am searching for, but at least I know that if I don't keep looking, I'll never find them. I'm even finding little answers in everyone around me. It may sound funny, but I've learned its ok to be mad. You just have to figure out why you are mad. If you don't, your emotions end up in all the wrong places.
A good example is my office. They are a menagerie of people, faiths, and ethics, but they are all all passionate caring people. They teach me a lot. Especially about being human, but still trying to be me, and a good me. I guess I need to keep remembering that everything good and that puts me where I need to be seems to come suddenly and sideswipe me, so I may as well be doing the best I can.