Finished Object!
I hope Ulysses likes it as much as I do. Now off to the mail with it.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Saturday, June 21, 2008
middle of the night, thinking too much
While I am in that odd place between finishing a quilt and bed time, I have been surfing the little lurked on blogs of people I have known way too long but don't really keep in touch with.
One mentioned that she was jealous of her friends who were married and had husbands to take care of them so they didn't have to worry. She is just starting grad school and isn't feeling too comfy with the financial end of it, even though she knows she is doing the right thing.
Also note, that I was also part of a conversation at work today when one of my coworkers, who isn't even dating, mentioned he wanted to be married in the next two years, and have his first kid by the time he was thirty because that was the best way for life to work out.
While I am a compulsive planner, and admit to previously having spent a few nights freaking out over my non-married status, I really can't say I ever expected my husband to "take care of me" in a free wheeling, I don't have to do anything sort of way, or put a huge time line on my single status. I liked being single just as much as I like being married, quite a bit.
And the longer I'm married, the more I learn not to put time lines on things. You can think, and ponder, but so much changes so quickly, you never know what opportunity you might miss if you are so concentrated on filling a check box on you list of life.
Another thing, and again, I'll admit I never thought I would marry someone that I got to help put through school, but what makes people think that having a husband means you are "taken care of"? Ted does an amazing job making sure that I am ok, and seeing to it that I am emotionally and physically healthy, but we're just not in a place where I'm a "kept" woman, and well, I hope we never look at my position in life that way. Yeah, not thinking about where money comes from would be nice, but I don't think I'd value it as much either.
Ted and I work together to keep each other. It isn't one of our jobs over another. Right now it happens to mean that I work, and he does pretty much everything else. I think I have the better end of the deal. But that doesn't mean that either one of us is anymore important or successful. Yes, our goal is eventually for me to stay home, but that doesn't mean that when I am depending on Ted for financial pieces of life that I'll while away my days just following my current whim or bliss.
I guess it all boils down to I've been thinking a lot about why people always wish they were somewhere else. It seems like so many people I know are wishing to be in another place, a better situation, or something along those lines. What do you miss by not being "now"? Where could you be if you weren't wishing for something else.
It is all pretty close to home, seeing as I finally feel like myself for the first time in a few years, and you know what, I still want to be right where I am.
I wasn't happy where I was, but I kept trying to change something to make me happy. Heaven knows Ted bent over backwards to help me. And, sure I may not be where I thought I would be. But, I guess its more exciting to think about where I can go from here
I thought that maybe once I was feeling better again, I would feel differently. That I would wonder what I had been doing with myself, and why I wasn't doing or being more. And yes, there was a day or so where I wondered why I had gotten so grouchy, and selfish, and just painful sometimes, but overall, I realized those are pieces of myself that have always been here, they just have been brighter than normal because I haven't known what I was feeling. Regardless, I wouldn't give up what I have learned, or where I have come from.
Maybe I would have had a great life if I had come to NY by myself and finished school quicker. Maybe I could have gone on a mission. Maybe I would have found a man to "keep" me. But all those options just don't glitter or sparkle anymore. They would have been fine if that was what I chose, but it isn't, so why waste time dwelling on a place I haven't been or are not going to be?
Back to my friend, she's just not the type of girl that would be happy being kept. She's a wild free spirit that loves someone who can challenge her. I guess when you do something scary, you look for another option, something that you think will help you do what you want, while taking away the scary piece. I know I avoid plenty of things. I guess I just hope she doesn't get caught up in the dream and stay there. Wishing is fine for a while, but pretty quickly, you start to miss living.
One mentioned that she was jealous of her friends who were married and had husbands to take care of them so they didn't have to worry. She is just starting grad school and isn't feeling too comfy with the financial end of it, even though she knows she is doing the right thing.
Also note, that I was also part of a conversation at work today when one of my coworkers, who isn't even dating, mentioned he wanted to be married in the next two years, and have his first kid by the time he was thirty because that was the best way for life to work out.
While I am a compulsive planner, and admit to previously having spent a few nights freaking out over my non-married status, I really can't say I ever expected my husband to "take care of me" in a free wheeling, I don't have to do anything sort of way, or put a huge time line on my single status. I liked being single just as much as I like being married, quite a bit.
And the longer I'm married, the more I learn not to put time lines on things. You can think, and ponder, but so much changes so quickly, you never know what opportunity you might miss if you are so concentrated on filling a check box on you list of life.
Another thing, and again, I'll admit I never thought I would marry someone that I got to help put through school, but what makes people think that having a husband means you are "taken care of"? Ted does an amazing job making sure that I am ok, and seeing to it that I am emotionally and physically healthy, but we're just not in a place where I'm a "kept" woman, and well, I hope we never look at my position in life that way. Yeah, not thinking about where money comes from would be nice, but I don't think I'd value it as much either.
Ted and I work together to keep each other. It isn't one of our jobs over another. Right now it happens to mean that I work, and he does pretty much everything else. I think I have the better end of the deal. But that doesn't mean that either one of us is anymore important or successful. Yes, our goal is eventually for me to stay home, but that doesn't mean that when I am depending on Ted for financial pieces of life that I'll while away my days just following my current whim or bliss.
I guess it all boils down to I've been thinking a lot about why people always wish they were somewhere else. It seems like so many people I know are wishing to be in another place, a better situation, or something along those lines. What do you miss by not being "now"? Where could you be if you weren't wishing for something else.
It is all pretty close to home, seeing as I finally feel like myself for the first time in a few years, and you know what, I still want to be right where I am.
I wasn't happy where I was, but I kept trying to change something to make me happy. Heaven knows Ted bent over backwards to help me. And, sure I may not be where I thought I would be. But, I guess its more exciting to think about where I can go from here
I thought that maybe once I was feeling better again, I would feel differently. That I would wonder what I had been doing with myself, and why I wasn't doing or being more. And yes, there was a day or so where I wondered why I had gotten so grouchy, and selfish, and just painful sometimes, but overall, I realized those are pieces of myself that have always been here, they just have been brighter than normal because I haven't known what I was feeling. Regardless, I wouldn't give up what I have learned, or where I have come from.
Maybe I would have had a great life if I had come to NY by myself and finished school quicker. Maybe I could have gone on a mission. Maybe I would have found a man to "keep" me. But all those options just don't glitter or sparkle anymore. They would have been fine if that was what I chose, but it isn't, so why waste time dwelling on a place I haven't been or are not going to be?
Back to my friend, she's just not the type of girl that would be happy being kept. She's a wild free spirit that loves someone who can challenge her. I guess when you do something scary, you look for another option, something that you think will help you do what you want, while taking away the scary piece. I know I avoid plenty of things. I guess I just hope she doesn't get caught up in the dream and stay there. Wishing is fine for a while, but pretty quickly, you start to miss living.
Friday, June 20, 2008
quiet time thoughts
Ted's off doing sound at a shoot for some people he met at Jed and Justin's shoot.
I'm sitting here with no TV, radio, or misc. noise in the house.
All that I can here is the hum of a fan blowing the air from the kitchen into the living room.
It is odd for our house to be this quiet.
Today I made a snazzy spreadsheet for our finances. If we ever want to buy an apartment, we need to start keeping much better track. I'm really proud of all the formulas and mini sheets that I ended up with. When you are young, and being forced to learn excel, you never think that you are going to find a distinct pleasure and sense of accomplishment from making the perfect spreadsheet.
My college roommate is having a son sometime this week. He may already be here. She is the first person I really know to have a baby. From the moment I heard she was expecting I knew I wanted to make a quilt. He is getting the cutest modern "painting" of the night sky. As soon as its done, I'll post on the crafty blog.
Every time I get frustrated at work, I remember how much I really do like what I do.
Last week Anna and Dave visited. I wish we saw everyone more. I love that Ted has so many brothers and sisters that I enjoy being around. I really lucked out with my extended family, and I'm not just saying that because I know they read my blog more than my own family.
I am so excited for our vacation to Denver and McCall.
Maybe this weekend, I'll actually mail my graduation announcements. I still feel really lucky Iris agreed to make my announcements. They are quite lovely.
I really should be quilting...
I'm sitting here with no TV, radio, or misc. noise in the house.
All that I can here is the hum of a fan blowing the air from the kitchen into the living room.
It is odd for our house to be this quiet.
Today I made a snazzy spreadsheet for our finances. If we ever want to buy an apartment, we need to start keeping much better track. I'm really proud of all the formulas and mini sheets that I ended up with. When you are young, and being forced to learn excel, you never think that you are going to find a distinct pleasure and sense of accomplishment from making the perfect spreadsheet.
My college roommate is having a son sometime this week. He may already be here. She is the first person I really know to have a baby. From the moment I heard she was expecting I knew I wanted to make a quilt. He is getting the cutest modern "painting" of the night sky. As soon as its done, I'll post on the crafty blog.
Every time I get frustrated at work, I remember how much I really do like what I do.
Last week Anna and Dave visited. I wish we saw everyone more. I love that Ted has so many brothers and sisters that I enjoy being around. I really lucked out with my extended family, and I'm not just saying that because I know they read my blog more than my own family.
I am so excited for our vacation to Denver and McCall.
Maybe this weekend, I'll actually mail my graduation announcements. I still feel really lucky Iris agreed to make my announcements. They are quite lovely.
I really should be quilting...
Monday, June 9, 2008
TAG!
A to Z
Internet fun thanks to, Ali!
A- Attached or Single: Attached
B- Best friend: Missa and Ted
C- Cake or Pie: Cheese Cake?
D- Day of choice: Sunday
E- Essential item: Hair tie
F- Favorite Color: Green
G- Gummy bears or worms: Bears
H- Hometown: Mountain View, CA
I- Indulgence: A great haircut
J- January or July: January
K- Kids: Not yet.
L- Life is incomplete without: sleep
M- Marriage Date: August 11, 2005
N- Number of siblings: 1, but I like to count Ted's so 8
O- Oranges or Apples: either
P- Phobias or fears: things that creep in our home, my feet getting stepped on in the Subway/Bus
Q- Quotes: "But the point is to live" Camus
R- Reason to smile: amazing shoes on huge sales
S- Season of choice: Autumn
T- Tag 3 times: Breken, Missa, does anyone, who hasn't been tagged, read this?
U- Unknown fact about me: When I was little, my feet wouldn't fit in shoes because they were so wide. So my parents, as a joke, told me if I wanted to wear the cute shoes, they were going to have to cut off my pinky toe. I thought it was a good idea and was bummed they didn't find a doctor who would do it.
V- Very favorite store: Yarntopia or Filene's
W- Worst habit: Not picking up after myself
X- X-ray or Ultrasound: MRI? Unless you count dental x-rays, I can only think of one I've ever had. I've never had an ultrasound.
Y- Your favorite food: Oatmeal Cookies
Z- Zodiac Sign: Taurus
New Toys
For many reasons, we have broken down and purchased our first A/C unit. We talked about it last summer, but knew we didn't want to move one, so we put it off a bit longer. We don't anticipate a horrible summer, but moving from a shady first floor to a sunny sixth floor does make a difference. The fans just don't cut it anymore on the really humid days.
What I find the most interesting is the process to purchase the A/C. We're admittedly psycho about making large and small purchases together. I decided pretty quickly that I only wanted things in the house that we both like/fit the budget/etc. This makes buying kitchen spoons a bit of a big deal.
This time we knew we couldn't go together; my work schedule just wasn't going to allow shopping adventures this week. So,we surfed all the reviews, checked prices at just about everywhere we could get to in half an hour by car, and spent way too much time looking at service plans, energy efficiency, and figuring out how to compensate for our huge windows. This morning Ted left to go pick up the unit of choice, and I left for work. I never thought an A/C unit would be such a large choice. It was time though. I also feel good about it, because I know we agree.
On a bit larger scale, I feel like we have crossed some imaginary threshold. We now own a really nice mattress/bed, an A/C unit, an apt. worth of furniture, and all our kitchen desires. It really feels like a complete house. Maybe not as large as I pictured it being when I was young, but it really does feel complete.
I didn't think it would happen this quickly. I know how funny that sounds. Something about New York and being students made me feel like we wouldn't really settle down/build our home for at least a few more years. I didn't realize how well I had done at accumulating basic things before we got married. Or how generous people would be with wedding presents. Somethings I've even realized I really don't care about. The things we did need, we have been careful to buy quality and save money by not buying too much or too fancy. We are really blessed.
What I find the most interesting is the process to purchase the A/C. We're admittedly psycho about making large and small purchases together. I decided pretty quickly that I only wanted things in the house that we both like/fit the budget/etc. This makes buying kitchen spoons a bit of a big deal.
This time we knew we couldn't go together; my work schedule just wasn't going to allow shopping adventures this week. So,we surfed all the reviews, checked prices at just about everywhere we could get to in half an hour by car, and spent way too much time looking at service plans, energy efficiency, and figuring out how to compensate for our huge windows. This morning Ted left to go pick up the unit of choice, and I left for work. I never thought an A/C unit would be such a large choice. It was time though. I also feel good about it, because I know we agree.
On a bit larger scale, I feel like we have crossed some imaginary threshold. We now own a really nice mattress/bed, an A/C unit, an apt. worth of furniture, and all our kitchen desires. It really feels like a complete house. Maybe not as large as I pictured it being when I was young, but it really does feel complete.
I didn't think it would happen this quickly. I know how funny that sounds. Something about New York and being students made me feel like we wouldn't really settle down/build our home for at least a few more years. I didn't realize how well I had done at accumulating basic things before we got married. Or how generous people would be with wedding presents. Somethings I've even realized I really don't care about. The things we did need, we have been careful to buy quality and save money by not buying too much or too fancy. We are really blessed.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
"funny" things
Prior to cracking Grandpa open, the doctor decided to do an angiogram. Good thing too. He couldn't find any of the damage in Granpa's heart.
Long story short, Grandpa had another stroke, is totally malnourished, has multiple infections, and is bedridden, but does not, apparently, have heart problems. None of the doctors can figure out what is going on. Grandpa is being moved to a care facility so that people can monitor him all the time. Mom describes it like House in real life. They just keep trying things. Maybe one of them will work.
I'm not sure I how I feel about everything going on, but I can say that I appreciate the support around me. Ted and my coworkers are being really supportive and telling me to do whatever I want about the whole thing. I don't think I'll go out though unless he recovers to a point that he knows what is going on, or dies. I may go out if mom is there too, but I'm not sure I could visit by myself. Grandpa has always been one of the dominant male figures in my life, and the last few years it has been very hard to watch him slow down so much.
I think the family is just hoping that something is either found or he dies peacefully. Grandpa has lived a long life and done many wonderful things. But his body has been through so many strokes. It could just be wearing out. I know he isn't the man I used to know. When we talk on the phone, he doesn't remember. When I see him he doesn't always know who I am. He usually calls me Srepta (his first wife, my biological Grandmother). Its hard to watch a person's body stop working. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for him.
I'm disappointed in my grandmother(his second wife). She decided to go to Vegas for the week. Granted, the trip was planned before Grandpa started having problems, but I guess I like to think if I didn't know if Ted was going to live, that I would stay with him instead of going to have a party weekend with my daughter and see the US Open.
Its odd to be disappointed in someone you have looked up to. I've been mad at my family, confused, even utterly disgusted, but I don't think I've ever watched someone do something that made me loose respect for them the way I am for Grandma. Not only is she taking of to Vegas for the next week, she already told mom that she couldn't and wouldn't take care of Grandpa if he didn't get better. Maybe it is just how the story is getting to me, but that just sounds like she is washing her hands of him.
I guess we all grow up differently. It just sees to me like some people grow up then down again.
Long story short, Grandpa had another stroke, is totally malnourished, has multiple infections, and is bedridden, but does not, apparently, have heart problems. None of the doctors can figure out what is going on. Grandpa is being moved to a care facility so that people can monitor him all the time. Mom describes it like House in real life. They just keep trying things. Maybe one of them will work.
I'm not sure I how I feel about everything going on, but I can say that I appreciate the support around me. Ted and my coworkers are being really supportive and telling me to do whatever I want about the whole thing. I don't think I'll go out though unless he recovers to a point that he knows what is going on, or dies. I may go out if mom is there too, but I'm not sure I could visit by myself. Grandpa has always been one of the dominant male figures in my life, and the last few years it has been very hard to watch him slow down so much.
I think the family is just hoping that something is either found or he dies peacefully. Grandpa has lived a long life and done many wonderful things. But his body has been through so many strokes. It could just be wearing out. I know he isn't the man I used to know. When we talk on the phone, he doesn't remember. When I see him he doesn't always know who I am. He usually calls me Srepta (his first wife, my biological Grandmother). Its hard to watch a person's body stop working. I can't imagine how frustrating it must be for him.
I'm disappointed in my grandmother(his second wife). She decided to go to Vegas for the week. Granted, the trip was planned before Grandpa started having problems, but I guess I like to think if I didn't know if Ted was going to live, that I would stay with him instead of going to have a party weekend with my daughter and see the US Open.
Its odd to be disappointed in someone you have looked up to. I've been mad at my family, confused, even utterly disgusted, but I don't think I've ever watched someone do something that made me loose respect for them the way I am for Grandma. Not only is she taking of to Vegas for the next week, she already told mom that she couldn't and wouldn't take care of Grandpa if he didn't get better. Maybe it is just how the story is getting to me, but that just sounds like she is washing her hands of him.
I guess we all grow up differently. It just sees to me like some people grow up then down again.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
don't know how to feel
Grandpa is in open heart surgery today. He may be out. I'm not sure with the time difference. He's not expected to make it. If he does, they don't know what quality of life he will have.
Earlier this week he had a stroke that left him bedridden. They don't think his heart is strong enough to keep him going without help. Thus the surgery today.
Mom said if they could, they would stint his heart to help.
I keep wondering if I was in the same place, would I want the stints?
I wonder if Grandpa wants them?
Earlier this week he had a stroke that left him bedridden. They don't think his heart is strong enough to keep him going without help. Thus the surgery today.
Mom said if they could, they would stint his heart to help.
I keep wondering if I was in the same place, would I want the stints?
I wonder if Grandpa wants them?
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The Street
I've been reading Ann Petry's The Street this week. I loved it the first time I read it, but living blocks from where it occurs makes it all the more lovely.
When I read it, I have a hard time thinking of West 116th being part of central Harlem. I'm not sure if that is because I live in Morningside Heights, which I still think is a made up name from Columbia, and not Harlem; but I know this was Harlem at one point. Below the Heights it is still is West Harlem. The gentrification is rampant though. I hope it won't just melt into the Upper West Side like Morningside Heights is doing. Maybe not though, it is starting to be trendy to live in West Harlem, and East Harlem for that fact.
Its nice to read about what 116 was. Especially since I knew people who lived here when the book takes place. It was a dangerous neighborhood, it wasn't nice or pretty. The landscape, ethnicity, and socio-economic class may have changed, but the buildings haven't and neither have a lot of the feelings of residents. (I don't count undergrads as residents, if you live here year round, you count) There is still a reason that the dorms are so close to campus, and the Heights buffer the university from the rest of the community.
People are still desperately stuck or equally happy to be where they are. The poverty looms large. And outside the university community (or even in it), too many kids are making bad choices. A few people beat the traditions and become shining stars.
Mostly reading The Street again makes me want to get more involved with the community. I hate to think that if someone wrote a novel that served as a snapshot of West 116th today that in fifty years it would still have the same problems and be so torn between have and have not that it is today. It is a proud street, with an amazing history, both from Harlem and CU. No matter what direction you look at it, it is a great place. Maybe I can help reflect a little bit of that history.
When I read it, I have a hard time thinking of West 116th being part of central Harlem. I'm not sure if that is because I live in Morningside Heights, which I still think is a made up name from Columbia, and not Harlem; but I know this was Harlem at one point. Below the Heights it is still is West Harlem. The gentrification is rampant though. I hope it won't just melt into the Upper West Side like Morningside Heights is doing. Maybe not though, it is starting to be trendy to live in West Harlem, and East Harlem for that fact.
Its nice to read about what 116 was. Especially since I knew people who lived here when the book takes place. It was a dangerous neighborhood, it wasn't nice or pretty. The landscape, ethnicity, and socio-economic class may have changed, but the buildings haven't and neither have a lot of the feelings of residents. (I don't count undergrads as residents, if you live here year round, you count) There is still a reason that the dorms are so close to campus, and the Heights buffer the university from the rest of the community.
People are still desperately stuck or equally happy to be where they are. The poverty looms large. And outside the university community (or even in it), too many kids are making bad choices. A few people beat the traditions and become shining stars.
Mostly reading The Street again makes me want to get more involved with the community. I hate to think that if someone wrote a novel that served as a snapshot of West 116th today that in fifty years it would still have the same problems and be so torn between have and have not that it is today. It is a proud street, with an amazing history, both from Harlem and CU. No matter what direction you look at it, it is a great place. Maybe I can help reflect a little bit of that history.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
bittersweet
This week Ted has his first "real" movie shoot. He is helping out with a friend's summer project for grad school, and is very excited. To be honest, I'm really excited for him too. The two guys he is working with are wonderful people and have some amazing experiences being film makers. I'm happy that he'll have people to be around that know what he is talking about because I'm sure explaining everything to me helps him remember, but doesn't help him get much better.
The crazy part is going to be that the current shoots are all night scoots. Midnight to 8am. All week long. Part of me is sad, and saying, "but you're not going to be home". The other part of me knew this was going to happen someday and is really happy for him. I know he needs to start working in film instead of just reading about it. Besides, I knew I couldn't marry a guy who wants to be in film and expect him to have a 9 - 5.
Mostly, I'm just really happy we've had the last few years literally to ourselves. We've been able to work and go to school, but pretty much spend every other moment of the day together. I've always thought we were really lucky to have that kind of time. It isn't something a lot of people have the luxury to experience.
Especially after the last fall and spring, I've been really greatful that we don't have huge outside commitments.
On the other hand, I also know that life can't stay that way, and probably shouldn't. We both know we need to start spending more time with other people, or I'll probably drive him crazy. At least, we're really lucky to be in a community where we can both pursue our careers and interests.
The crazy part is going to be that the current shoots are all night scoots. Midnight to 8am. All week long. Part of me is sad, and saying, "but you're not going to be home". The other part of me knew this was going to happen someday and is really happy for him. I know he needs to start working in film instead of just reading about it. Besides, I knew I couldn't marry a guy who wants to be in film and expect him to have a 9 - 5.
Mostly, I'm just really happy we've had the last few years literally to ourselves. We've been able to work and go to school, but pretty much spend every other moment of the day together. I've always thought we were really lucky to have that kind of time. It isn't something a lot of people have the luxury to experience.
Especially after the last fall and spring, I've been really greatful that we don't have huge outside commitments.
On the other hand, I also know that life can't stay that way, and probably shouldn't. We both know we need to start spending more time with other people, or I'll probably drive him crazy. At least, we're really lucky to be in a community where we can both pursue our careers and interests.
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