Well, maybe not, I don't think anything could be undergrad with Marty and Kat, but this came pretty close.
Like I said, I didn't actually attend either of my ceremonies as a student. But I did work at the Columbia ceremony, so I was present, but didn't have to sit in the sun and roast. Or get rained on. I did get to shout and clap when the TC degrees were conferred.
After the ceremony finished, I made sure the Law School stuff was doing what it was supposed to. My coworkers planned a lovely reception. Then I took lunch and went up to TC to grab my diploma.
While I was there I ran into Naoko, the only person I knew who graduated this year, and also an old coworker. And I stopped by to see all the guys I used to work with in A/V and the facility staff. It was so much fun. I saw the people that mattered to me while I was there. I felt like I had the closure I've been looking for. I didn't really care about leaving as a student, but I did care about thanking the people that I had spent my time with. The people I worked with. It was so much fun to see people and talk and say hi without feeling like I had a conflict of interest (student or coworker). I've already got lunch plans with some of them.
The only bummer was that it started raining on my way back to work and my diploma cover bled onto my diploma. I now have a lovely blue mark in the middle of my diploma. I haven't decided if I'm going to find out if I can order a new one, or if I'm going to leave it the way it is. I'm leaning towards leaving it the way I was. I wasn't really excited about graduation, and felt pretty jaded about education in general, but spending a few minutes with my old coworkers and running back to the office barefoot in the rain (I wasn't about to run in my heals) is an experience I want to remember. It made me smile.
It really made my graduation.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
tomorrow
Tomorrow, at this time, I will officially not be a student. It is a word I have used to define myself for twenty years. I'm not sure if I'm happy to leave the title behind, or if I already miss it.
I was all excited about graduation and finishing in December (when I actually finished), and for about a week in April, but now it just seems like another pointless ritual. I don't really care if I stand up when my name is called, or sit through an archaic ceremony. I think, no I know, I've already moved on. I'm actually skipping both my ceremonies. One for work, I'll still be at it, but as a staff member. The other because it is relatively late at night 7 - 10pm (in the rain), and I don't think the speaker will be worth sitting through. If I want to see it I can watch the archive on the internet.
Also, at TC you don't really forge bonds with your classmates. It isn't like college where you live, breath, and eat with the same people you are going to class with. I've had a full time job almost the entire time I've been a student in New York, and so have most the people I know. The people I have met at TC are either graduated or still there. I'm one of the only people I know to graduate this year. My few friends have already made a point to keep in touch.
Part of me will miss the security that seems to come with being a student. When people ask what you do, if you say student, all of a sudden it is ok that you aren't trying to buy your own apartment, or start a family, etc. There is also quite a bit of financial security being a student. You know that if all else fails, and even though you haven't used them, if you need to, there is money to be found in scholarships, grants, and loans. We are pretty efficient with our money, and haven't needed to go into exorbitant debt, especially considering for two years we have both been students, but it is still a security blanket I didn't realize I liked. (Not that it really disappears, Ted is still a student.)
I will admit, I don't miss homework, or papers. I like being able to talk to people about subjects not related to class. I like feeling the freedom of being "grown up". I like feeling like I have time to make friends or have people over for dinner. Next year, Ted and I will be considered "old" members of the ward. Not because I've given up student status, but more because we have been here for more than two/three years, which is what most programs last, and so how long most people stay.
Even though I never thought of New York as a transitory place, now it feels more real. I live in New York. I've been here almost three years. I didn't go somewhere else for the summer. I'm not planning on leaving at a set time, or living with only half my possessions (save what is still at my parents because we don't have space) because there is not point in bringing all our stuff. And maybe the most important to me, as crazy as it sounds, I pay monthly rent, not semester housing fees. It is a good feeling.
I know I'm panicking about some things. But I don't think that is as much about leaving school, and more about I really didn't count on MS. And those panics go away more and more each day. I'm down the occasional outburst, instead of the daily meltdown.
Maybe part of giving up the identity of student is good. It helps me fell like I'm moving faster. I've never been a person to tread water for too long in life. But especially now, I don't want to spend time doing things that don't matter, or are place holders. If we decide to live abroad, I want to do it sooner than we had thought, so we're working to pay off the few loans we do have quicker. We're thinking about what our family can look like a lot more seriously than we had before. I'm pushing myself to not be stagnant with my career, not so that I can have a spiffy job, but so I can feel like it matters. As much as I worry about my job, I know I wouldn't have jumpped into a relatively new field, where I probably will move up quickly, if I hadn't been where I am, or wanted to be more conscious of what I am doing for Ted and I as a family.
Overall, I'm happy I spent the time being a student that I have. I'm occasionally sad that I don't know if I'll finish my doctorate, but I'm happy with the choices I've made on how to spend my time instead. Especially the last few years I've learned more about myself than the content area, and I don't think I would have learned that if I hadn't been in school and working. I'm not as selfish (although I'm still pretty selfish) and way more flexible than I was when I started my post high school student plan. I have taken advantage of more of the opportunities that have come my way. I know a bit more about the cost of school, and not in a monetary way. And, to be honest, I know that if I do finish, it will mean more, and be in a content area that I feel much more strongly about than if I had finished now with a generic study or program that I instigated then analyzed. Ultimately, I've spent quality time doing what I now feel even more strongly about, and that is learning and really living.
I was all excited about graduation and finishing in December (when I actually finished), and for about a week in April, but now it just seems like another pointless ritual. I don't really care if I stand up when my name is called, or sit through an archaic ceremony. I think, no I know, I've already moved on. I'm actually skipping both my ceremonies. One for work, I'll still be at it, but as a staff member. The other because it is relatively late at night 7 - 10pm (in the rain), and I don't think the speaker will be worth sitting through. If I want to see it I can watch the archive on the internet.
Also, at TC you don't really forge bonds with your classmates. It isn't like college where you live, breath, and eat with the same people you are going to class with. I've had a full time job almost the entire time I've been a student in New York, and so have most the people I know. The people I have met at TC are either graduated or still there. I'm one of the only people I know to graduate this year. My few friends have already made a point to keep in touch.
Part of me will miss the security that seems to come with being a student. When people ask what you do, if you say student, all of a sudden it is ok that you aren't trying to buy your own apartment, or start a family, etc. There is also quite a bit of financial security being a student. You know that if all else fails, and even though you haven't used them, if you need to, there is money to be found in scholarships, grants, and loans. We are pretty efficient with our money, and haven't needed to go into exorbitant debt, especially considering for two years we have both been students, but it is still a security blanket I didn't realize I liked. (Not that it really disappears, Ted is still a student.)
I will admit, I don't miss homework, or papers. I like being able to talk to people about subjects not related to class. I like feeling the freedom of being "grown up". I like feeling like I have time to make friends or have people over for dinner. Next year, Ted and I will be considered "old" members of the ward. Not because I've given up student status, but more because we have been here for more than two/three years, which is what most programs last, and so how long most people stay.
Even though I never thought of New York as a transitory place, now it feels more real. I live in New York. I've been here almost three years. I didn't go somewhere else for the summer. I'm not planning on leaving at a set time, or living with only half my possessions (save what is still at my parents because we don't have space) because there is not point in bringing all our stuff. And maybe the most important to me, as crazy as it sounds, I pay monthly rent, not semester housing fees. It is a good feeling.
I know I'm panicking about some things. But I don't think that is as much about leaving school, and more about I really didn't count on MS. And those panics go away more and more each day. I'm down the occasional outburst, instead of the daily meltdown.
Maybe part of giving up the identity of student is good. It helps me fell like I'm moving faster. I've never been a person to tread water for too long in life. But especially now, I don't want to spend time doing things that don't matter, or are place holders. If we decide to live abroad, I want to do it sooner than we had thought, so we're working to pay off the few loans we do have quicker. We're thinking about what our family can look like a lot more seriously than we had before. I'm pushing myself to not be stagnant with my career, not so that I can have a spiffy job, but so I can feel like it matters. As much as I worry about my job, I know I wouldn't have jumpped into a relatively new field, where I probably will move up quickly, if I hadn't been where I am, or wanted to be more conscious of what I am doing for Ted and I as a family.
Overall, I'm happy I spent the time being a student that I have. I'm occasionally sad that I don't know if I'll finish my doctorate, but I'm happy with the choices I've made on how to spend my time instead. Especially the last few years I've learned more about myself than the content area, and I don't think I would have learned that if I hadn't been in school and working. I'm not as selfish (although I'm still pretty selfish) and way more flexible than I was when I started my post high school student plan. I have taken advantage of more of the opportunities that have come my way. I know a bit more about the cost of school, and not in a monetary way. And, to be honest, I know that if I do finish, it will mean more, and be in a content area that I feel much more strongly about than if I had finished now with a generic study or program that I instigated then analyzed. Ultimately, I've spent quality time doing what I now feel even more strongly about, and that is learning and really living.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
thinking
I've been having real issues lately trying to decide what I want to do with my career. I thought when I started here that I would be happy staying in mid level admin because it would help my health, and I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my job, I really do like it, and want to stay for a good while, but I can't see myself being happy at this level for like 20 years. I've had more responsibility in other positions, and would like to be back there sometime again. But, I'm scared that taking a higher position in an ivy school would stress me out way more than I could handle.
So, basically, I've been really down that I don't have a future.
It doesn't help that I'm sitting here listening to a student talk about the gossip on who to and not to intern for, and one of the people they are saying not to work with is specifically because the person has been having problems with MS. I'm so scared of being that person someday. Making a great career, but then having MS come up and basically take away my life. On the other hand, I really don't want to live in fear of ruining my health, and then missing out because I haven't used the time I do have wisely.
Now, to not live in my own head, I was given a few new big projects this week, so I already know I'm slowly taking on more responsibility, and eventually, if I keep working hard, I will have the position that I want, and will be able to balance my health with it. I don't know why I'm so worried, none of my worries are founded in reality, but I can't seem to shake worry about a career.
So, basically, I've been really down that I don't have a future.
It doesn't help that I'm sitting here listening to a student talk about the gossip on who to and not to intern for, and one of the people they are saying not to work with is specifically because the person has been having problems with MS. I'm so scared of being that person someday. Making a great career, but then having MS come up and basically take away my life. On the other hand, I really don't want to live in fear of ruining my health, and then missing out because I haven't used the time I do have wisely.
Now, to not live in my own head, I was given a few new big projects this week, so I already know I'm slowly taking on more responsibility, and eventually, if I keep working hard, I will have the position that I want, and will be able to balance my health with it. I don't know why I'm so worried, none of my worries are founded in reality, but I can't seem to shake worry about a career.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
beauty
I was doing dishes the other day and noticed how lovely the sun was. It streamed through the windows and reflected in all the glass dishes that were newly scrubbed. It was odd, but very beautiful.
I'm having lots of those little moments lately. Seeing a beautiful person on the street. And not a magazine beautiful, a really beautiful person. Or watching someone help another person on campus. Its been nice.
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