tomorrow

Tomorrow, at this time, I will officially not be a student. It is a word I have used to define myself for twenty years. I'm not sure if I'm happy to leave the title behind, or if I already miss it.

I was all excited about graduation and finishing in December (when I actually finished), and for about a week in April, but now it just seems like another pointless ritual. I don't really care if I stand up when my name is called, or sit through an archaic ceremony. I think, no I know, I've already moved on. I'm actually skipping both my ceremonies. One for work, I'll still be at it, but as a staff member. The other because it is relatively late at night 7 - 10pm (in the rain), and I don't think the speaker will be worth sitting through. If I want to see it I can watch the archive on the internet.

Also, at TC you don't really forge bonds with your classmates. It isn't like college where you live, breath, and eat with the same people you are going to class with. I've had a full time job almost the entire time I've been a student in New York, and so have most the people I know. The people I have met at TC are either graduated or still there. I'm one of the only people I know to graduate this year. My few friends have already made a point to keep in touch.

Part of me will miss the security that seems to come with being a student. When people ask what you do, if you say student, all of a sudden it is ok that you aren't trying to buy your own apartment, or start a family, etc. There is also quite a bit of financial security being a student. You know that if all else fails, and even though you haven't used them, if you need to, there is money to be found in scholarships, grants, and loans. We are pretty efficient with our money, and haven't needed to go into exorbitant debt, especially considering for two years we have both been students, but it is still a security blanket I didn't realize I liked. (Not that it really disappears, Ted is still a student.)

I will admit, I don't miss homework, or papers. I like being able to talk to people about subjects not related to class. I like feeling the freedom of being "grown up". I like feeling like I have time to make friends or have people over for dinner. Next year, Ted and I will be considered "old" members of the ward. Not because I've given up student status, but more because we have been here for more than two/three years, which is what most programs last, and so how long most people stay.

Even though I never thought of New York as a transitory place, now it feels more real. I live in New York. I've been here almost three years. I didn't go somewhere else for the summer. I'm not planning on leaving at a set time, or living with only half my possessions (save what is still at my parents because we don't have space) because there is not point in bringing all our stuff. And maybe the most important to me, as crazy as it sounds, I pay monthly rent, not semester housing fees. It is a good feeling.

I know I'm panicking about some things. But I don't think that is as much about leaving school, and more about I really didn't count on MS. And those panics go away more and more each day. I'm down the occasional outburst, instead of the daily meltdown.

Maybe part of giving up the identity of student is good. It helps me fell like I'm moving faster. I've never been a person to tread water for too long in life. But especially now, I don't want to spend time doing things that don't matter, or are place holders. If we decide to live abroad, I want to do it sooner than we had thought, so we're working to pay off the few loans we do have quicker. We're thinking about what our family can look like a lot more seriously than we had before. I'm pushing myself to not be stagnant with my career, not so that I can have a spiffy job, but so I can feel like it matters. As much as I worry about my job, I know I wouldn't have jumpped into a relatively new field, where I probably will move up quickly, if I hadn't been where I am, or wanted to be more conscious of what I am doing for Ted and I as a family.

Overall, I'm happy I spent the time being a student that I have. I'm occasionally sad that I don't know if I'll finish my doctorate, but I'm happy with the choices I've made on how to spend my time instead. Especially the last few years I've learned more about myself than the content area, and I don't think I would have learned that if I hadn't been in school and working. I'm not as selfish (although I'm still pretty selfish) and way more flexible than I was when I started my post high school student plan. I have taken advantage of more of the opportunities that have come my way. I know a bit more about the cost of school, and not in a monetary way. And, to be honest, I know that if I do finish, it will mean more, and be in a content area that I feel much more strongly about than if I had finished now with a generic study or program that I instigated then analyzed. Ultimately, I've spent quality time doing what I now feel even more strongly about, and that is learning and really living.