what we hold on to

It never ceases to amaze me what I hold on to, or reach out for, in a completely non-threatening situation. Yesterday I was riding down the elevator at work when a whole bunch of older men got in from the Business School. All of a sudden I was crunched into a corner with all these guys talking about their huge mergers (or something with money), and one of them kept giving me (in my opinion) strange looks. The looks you get when someone thinks, how cute, a young'in scared of graduate school. (Which I found rather entertaining/annoying considering I am an employee in good standing, who just happens to be quite a bit younger than her counterparts.)
For the first time in a while, at least in a move for self worth, I thought to myself, "I am a successful young adult, with a very happy marriage, and two masters degrees, working at an incredibly respected, although possibly fairly stuck up at times, institution, who really does like who she is and feels like she deserves more than strange looks from men at least as old as her father who feel some need to be cool by ignoring the little kid in the back".
It really surprised me that this was my thought train, because I've been working pretty hard to let that kind of odd self image go. It isn't healthy to hold on to my education or job as who I am and why I'm worth something, especially when everyone who walks into my floor thinks I'm a receptionist based on the placement of my desk. I'd have a huge complex if I cared that much about appearances. I love my schools, but I don't want to be that kind of person who is always the girl from "x" who can't stop talking about her degree either. Its odd being in a community that places so much on things that in the long run really don't matter much.
I think I'm happier knowing I have a wonderful home, that despite physical limits is just right for Ted and I. The thought that someday (emphasis on the someday) we will hopefully be blessed with children and the health to care for them. And that I still have an abiding hope that there is something more than what we can see/have on this earth.
I know I've been a lot more centered on the whole "who am I now" issues since last October, especially as I really have had to decide if my priorities and goals are the best ones for me in the long term, even though we will have no clue until the long term comes. And I'm not always positive about having to change my point of view, but it is nice to know that more and more often, I can see what really matters. Its a change I've been looking for for quite a while, and maybe means more to me because I'm seeing it in winter. Its easy to think things are great when the weather is nice, and the world looks pretty, but when the windchill is bitter, and no one is smiling, its nice to see that I might be warm on the inside, even if I'm cold on the outside.